The Collected Works of Nicola Ojerholm
Submitted for the Darchibald Prize
Motion to Resolve the Existence of God - Troy McCann
The MCR believes there are about 2870 deities in recorded history. Chances of at least one of these being true in a universe of infinite possibility, given no burden of proof of such existence, is approximately zero. 2870/infinity ~= 0. Solved.
Motion to Resolve the Refugee Kerfuffle/Global Warming - Brian Fantana
The MCR believes that the problem was nicknaming Australia ‘Down Under.’ It gives away our position. If we move all our air-conditioners to Adelaide and point them south, we can move ourselves into the middle of the Pacific. (More into the middle of the Pacific than we already are.) Refugees won’t know how to find us, Google Maps will be out of date, they won’t set sail, and they won’t be in danger.
Plus, we’ll send a cool breeze over Antarctica, like putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan, thus cooling the world. You’re welcome, the world.
Motion to Develop a Way to Get Served in the JCR - Troy McCann
The MCR believes that we should stop being so biased, and let’s consider the perspective of the JCR staff member. They’re all on their own and need to talk to their friends for hours on end. It’s a tough gig and John Rawls is wagging his finger at you. If you get served at all, it’s as reasonable as you could expect.
Motion to Solve World Hunger - Brian Fantana
The MCR believes people in the First World should get around the Paleo diet. You’ll trim down, get glutens, dairy, sugars, and empty carbs out of your system, and get more steak on your plate. Meanwhile, we’ll develop a huge surplus of grains and rice, and feed the world. We look good - they get food. Boom.
Motion to Resolve the Israel/Palestine Problem - Troy McCann
The MCR believes Menzies was onto something. Move Israel to the Kimberley region of Western Australia, far away from the Middle East. Establish Palestine in what is currently the West Bank, Gaza Strip and Israel. Predicament settled. Ba. Dum. Tish.
Motion to Fix the World - Patrick Bateman
The MCR believes that we have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.